Now that’s what I call a booty call.

Yesterday I was feeling super anxious about seeing The Writer. That might have been because I’m really self conscious about my apartment, and I think that someone’s living space can say a lot about them. But it also could have been the fact that he talks to me like he actually likes me, not like he just wants to hook up.

For instance, when I talk to The Musician, I get texts like “I miss your sexy ass,” and “I can’t wait to kiss you.” Not things like, “I can’t wait to see you again,” and “I’m really looking forward to hanging out.” So maybe The Writer isn’t as straightforward and blunt as some other guys. But don’t tell me you want me to call you while you’re with the guys in Catalina or Vegas, if you don’t really want to talk to me.

Maybe its the vibe I give off. I don’t really act like I’m that into guys when I really am, just because in the past guys have called me clingy to my face, so who knows what else they say to other people behind my back (the words “obsessive” and “crazy” come to mind). What I’m trying to say is that I guess the fact that after we hooked up I got dressed, ordered a pizza, put on a movie, and pretty much started to pass out without really trying to talk or cuddle or anything. But he left before the movie was over. Maybe its because he saw that I was falling asleep, or that he really didn’t want to be there in the first place but he felt like he couldn’t leave right after we had sex because that would make him seem like a douche bag. And I didn’t try to stop him. He said, “Hey, I’m gonna head out.” And I rolled over and said, “Ok.” There was no, “Let’s cuddle for a bit,” or “Are you sure you don’t want to spend the night?” But then again, I never asked if he wanted to spend the night in the first place. If you want to leave, leave. I won’t stop you.

I’m not really upset that he left pretty much right after we hooked up, I’m just sort of over the whole random booty call thing. I’ve had 2 in the past week and there’s the possibility of one tonight. But what’s the point when the sex is just ok and there’s nothing to talk about before or after? I literally don’t know anything about The Writer besides the fact that he’s 25, was born and raised in New York and he moved to Tahoe by himself when he was 17. I’m not even sure if he has a real job.

Maybe this is part of growing up? I wasn’t even happy last night when he left. Normally after sex I’m in a good mood and I don’t care if the guy stays or goes, I’m just happy I had sex. But lately, it doesn’t even matter. Its like, Ok, I had sex, moving on with my day. I wish there was more chemistry, that’s the fun part.

I should be studying for finals.

However, I’m too busy freaking out. On Sunday I was supposed to see The Writer, but he was too tired after his weekend trip to Vegas. So we rescheduled for tonight, but then yesterday my car decided to start leaking coolant again (that’s the 4th time in the past year). Needless to say, I can’t drive it all the way to LA where he lives. When I told him the bad news, he said he was really bummed because he was really looking forward to seeing me.

Today, I decided to invite him to my place. I just spent the last 2 hours cleaning everything. I’m telling you, my place hasn’t looked this good since before I moved in. I’m freaking out. The last guy I had over to my place (besides The Barista who’s over like 2/3 times a week) was The Pilot, and that was a huge mistake. I could tell he liked me, but he tried to play it off like he just wanted to hook up. And the sex wasn’t even that good in the first place so it just got kinda weird and with me being the passive person I am, just stopped texting him back.

Anyway, now The Writer is coming over here when I get back from class. Thank god I don’t have a final tonight or I would never be able to concentrate. He’s hard to read. When I say things like, “Call me after Vegas,” he responds, “You can call me while I’m there.” But then I don’t hear from him for days. The biggest question on my mind right now is, is he just looking forward to seeing me because we hooked up last time we saw each other? Or is he actually interested in me? He seems like a genuinely nice guy, but even genuinely nice guys are capable of just wanting to hook up. I know I’m reading too much into this, and I know I don’t usually post things about guys until after I hang out with them. But I think I just needed to type something to calm my nerves.

And why the hell am I so nervous? Its not like I really like the guy. I don’t think..

I’m doing it again.

I hate admitting that sometimes I let my imagination get the best of me. I went on one date with The Writer. One. I basically had an anxiety attack before the date. I had to keep myself from having another one in front of him when I woke up in his bed at 2 a.m. and remembered that I had to be up for work in 4 hours. I was sure that when I left him in the middle of the night when he was practically begging me to sleep over that he would never want to hang out with me again.

But then on Sunday afternoon, he text me and asked if I wanted to hang out when he got back from Vegas that night. I was so excited it was ridiculous. I completely changed my plans for the entire day just so I could have time to see him. And then, as can usually be expected, he flaked on me. Now, last night that didn’t bother me.

I ended up going to get a drink with my best friend and driving to WeHo to make a quick visit to The Editor’s, whom I have not seen in over a year. I had a good time. Now I remember why I liked him so much. And then after about an hour, I went to see The Barista and we hung out for the rest of the night.

Anyway, maybe its because I’ve smoked a little marijuana, but I can’t help thinking that I really like The Writer. I’ve been thinking about him a lot and really, really wanting to see him again. I even text him today, something I rarely do with guys that I’ve just started talking to. The problem is, I can’t figure out if I like him or the idea of us together. Like, he could be any good looking guy, as long as he gives me the perfect amount of attention. I don’t know how to tell them apart until I hang out with them a few times. But since he’s ignoring me, that’s kind of hard to do. I just wish I was able to stop imagining this perfect relationship when its obviously not going to happen, anytime soon at least.

I need to find a happy medium.

I always say that I want to meet “a new guy.” Its really just because I like the butterfly feeling I get when I spot a hot guy across the room and he’s actually paying attention to me. But then the butterfly feeling goes away and its either awkward or comfortable. I don’t really like either. So let’s recap my weekend.

Thursday was Cinco de Mayo (or cinco de drinko, whichever you prefer). I hung out with The Barista and his old roommate who was home from AZ for the weekend. We had a few drinks, I drove home, no big deal. Friday I went out with my best friend who finally drove up to Hollywood from Long Beach. We went to my favorite bars, and once again, I met a guy (at the same bar I always meet guys.. its an Irish Pub, kind of a given). The Writer was standing directly across the bar from me and was basically staring me down, so I stared back, almost dropped my beer, looked like an idiot, walked over and introduced myself. We made out at the bar. Surprise, surprise. Drunk me text him saying I had fun, and he actually text me back saying, “I can’t wait to see you again.” However, he was leaving for Catalina in the morning, so that “again” would have to wait.

I spent my entire Saturday and Sunday with The Barista. This is what I mean when it gets comfortable. I went to his grandparents’ house for Mother’s Day. I went to visit him at work and his boss gave me a free coffee because he knows who I am. He said he would call me after work, and when he didn’t I found that I was really irritated because he said he would do something and he didn’t. I don’t want to be that girl. I don’t want to be the girl that waits around for her “boyfriend” to call her after he gets off work just to say, “Hey babe, I’m going to my friend’s house. Have a good night.” I feel pathetic when I’m that girl.

But then there’s The Writer. He called me yesterday to see what my week looked like, and we sort of made plans for tomorrow night. So now its like, do I text him to see how his day was? Do I just ignore him until tomorrow? Am I supposed to call him tomorrow? Should I not make plans but wait for him to call me? I feel like I’m walking on eggshells because I don’t want to come off too strong, yet I don’t want to seem like I don’t care. Both of those situations always seem to end up with the guy sleeping with someone else.

Its like I’m stressing myself out so much to be this “perfect girl” when I know in the back of my mind that I just need to be me. The problem with that is “me” is that comfortable girl who only wants one guy at a time, I just can’t decide which one. I’m at that point where I couldn’t even tell you what I want in a guy, because all I seem to be focusing on these days is their imperfections. I start comparing them to each other and I just get overwhelmed. I also keep considering the option of being alone, but that’s even harder than juggling 3 guys at once. I wish I was strong enough to just do me, without worrying about what guys think.